Nicole feels

Does anyone else feel like you are just spinning your wheels and not getting anywhere?

That is me right now. I have a bazillion things to do. My house is a disaster. I still have several loose ends to tie up to be registered for school. I am still behind in our budget updating to the tune of over five months. My yard is in major need of an overhaul.

The list goes on, and yet, here I sit, at my computer, procrastinating yet again.

Sigh.

I used to be organized. Folks could show up unannounced at our home at any given time and things were in order. I hate the disarray, but I am having a hard time getting the motivation to do anything about it.

I need me some pregnancy-nesting-vibes minus the pregnancy part.

I also have a hard time staying focused amid all the stuff happening around us in our church family. My heart hurts so for the family who just lost their son/brother. He was about 27. We are still awaiting the autopsy report. Rob is with the family now, making the funeral arrangements.

Rob and I went out to eat last night, just the two of us. Some decompression time. Our conversation turned to our own mortality. Facing two funerals in less than three weeks will do that to you. I have always said that I don�t care what he does as far as arrangements go if I pass before him � it is more important that he and the kids do what will comfort them. I reiterated this again.

�But, don�t put me in one of those moo-moo type gowns,� I said.

He had no clue what I was talking about. �It is like this nightgown thing I can remember seeing relatives in when I was little and went to the viewings,� I said.

�No problem,� was his response.

�Put me in something red. I�ve always wanted to go to a funeral in a red dress. Put me in my red and black dress.� He laughed uneasily.

It�s just not easy to talk about these things. People our age, with kids, aren�t supposed to die.

But sometimes they do. Jason had a little girl about Parker�s age. He and his ex-wife were estranged, and I don�t think he�d been allowed to see her in some time, but that doesn�t change the fact that he had a daughter and that little girl no longer has a daddy.

It just seems strange to be worried about clean floors and organized closets when dear friends of ours are choosing a casket for a man who died too young.

In other news (and simply because I don�t want to come back later and upload another entry), my mother is driving me C R A Z Y.

She means well. She is kind-hearted, though oft misguided.

An open letter to my mother:

Dear Mom,

I am glad that you are doing all you can to ensure that we have a good vacation when we are visiting in MD in a few weeks. I am excited that the whole family will be reunited. I am happy that you have time off to spend with us.

As much as you are seeking to make this a memorable, fun-filled stay for all of us - especially your grandbabies - Mom, dear heart, please stop planning our vacation for us.

We are coming to MD to see you and dad, not to be-bop from site to site only to fall exhausted in our borrowed beds each night. We want to relax, hang out, soak up some sun by the pool you invested in for all of us 16 years ago.

We will get a picture done of the kiddos. We will plan to do something away from the house, all of us. But, please, let us just come and be with you guys, no strings attached. Just being family.

Love, Nicole

So, what do you think � should I send it�