Nicole feels

Yesterday, after the morning service, our senior pastor said that there would be some big news announced before classes that evening, so don't miss it.

Of course, one's curiosity is peaked. The last time that happened, they announced an addition to the staff, an operation's administrator.

I gave that possibility some thought, then brushed it aside. Hadn't heard anything to that effect. Not that we are "in the know", per se, but the last time, senior pastor told Rob ahead of time.

As many of you know, Rob was a pastor. For four years. Then God called us here. Not to be on staff. Just to come and be a part of this church.

As we lay in that hotel room that October night, knowing what God was calling us to do, Rob and I both agreed that if we were to come here, we had to, had to, had to come with absolutely no expectations.

That didn't mean we had no desire, or dream, to one day be part of the pastoral team here. But we knew we couldn't come expecting it.

There have been folks who have expected it. We were on staff here before. It seemed logical. I don't know how many times I have had to tell someone that we are not on staff, that we didn't come to be on staff, blah, blah, blah.

Then there have been those who think we are bucking for position. Or that Rob is anyway. There couldn't be anything further from the truth. Would he love to be a pastor here? Of course. In some ways, he already is, just because he was a pastor, and many look at him that way. But he isn't vocationally. I know he is okay with that.

I hate expectations! I have been fighting them for the past two years of my life over various situations. They cause such disappointment. Perhaps my fear is being disappointed more so than the actual dashed expectation.

So, as we walked down the hall to meet some friends for lunch, Rob whispered to me that one of the executive pastors and his family were leaving.

For a second, I was shocked. But the weird part was that not even two minutes before, that very thought had crossed my mind. "Maybe, so-and-so are leaving..." Then he verbalized it.

I saw it in October. I said it to Rob. "They won't be here much longer." He looked at me like I was crazy.

Anyway, my emotions have run the gammut these 18 hours or so. I could look at so many things and draw conclusions. Logical conclusions.

But God rarely deals in the logical.

And that is where I begin to wrestle with expectations. I came here saying I had none. Believing I had none!

Now I find myself crying out to Abba Father to take any away!

I am so afraid of disappointment. I have a desire, deep in my heart, to see Rob a part of this team here. We so love this church. Would God give me such a desire just to keep us from it?

But what if it is not His desire? That is what I want more than anything: for His desires to be mine. For His will for this body of believers.

As I wrestle with this, I hear Him whispering over and over...

Abide, Nicole. Abide.

The secret to much fruit, to discovering that intimate friendship with Him, is abiding in Him. Tapping into The Vine. That has been what He has been teaching me for the past 6 months. To simply "be" in Him. To remain in His love.

And so that is why I hate that expectations - or perhaps just a wish, a dream - has reared its little head. I don't want to be hoping for something like this! I was finally settling into our life here, Rob's new job, being back home with the kids, getting involved more as lay ministers...

Abba, You sure have a way of shaking things up!

I should know by now that He works in me best when he takes me out of my comfort zone.

I just don't like all these feelings bubbling up inside of me. I can't tell you how many times I had a hope that something would come to pass in MO and I prayed and I sought Him and then it didn't happen.

I am not doing that now. I am not praying for this to come to pass, even though it is a desire. I can't deny the desire. Maybe that is my problem. I am trying to deny that I really do want this for Rob, for us...

I am praying for His will. I am praying that He will continue to teach me to abide. That I will see His plan and join Him where He is working.

I am praying that I will die to any and all expectations.

I am begging for that.

Oh, Abba, please remove this desire from my heart if it is borne of anything but You...