Nicole feels

Do you ever feel like who you are just simply isn�t enough?

There are days when things are good. They aren�t just good; they are very good. I am at peace with who I am, my roles, my choices, my personality, my abilities.

And then there are the days that I wish I could just never utter another word. Or need to.

Not as in, not being able to. Just not have need to.

I am a very communicative person. If I am not talking, I am writing. If I am not writing, I am reading. I love conversation, debate, interaction. Put me in a discussion group and I am generally pretty quick to give my input or state my opinion. It is difficult for me to sit back and observe. I want to be in the thick of things.

Being a woman � and even more so, a minister�s wife � this is a very difficult aspect of my personality. Whether I intend it or not, my input can be deemed inappropriate, poorly timed, or argumentative.

When all I want to do is participate in a real, vital way.

And when my motives are questioned, my first tendency is to withdraw. To throw my hands up and say, �Fine. I am done.� I feel inadequate, frustrated, scolded.

I hate feeling like someone is telling me to just �sit up and shut up�.

The really difficult part is that in some sense they are right. I should be more reserved. More cautious. Slower to speak and quicker to listen.

But it is wearisome when all I seem to hear is how I am falling short. I feel like some people just want me to sit quietly in the wings, ready to jump up like a puppy lapping for attention when they want to speak, or want to run something by me.

I am not supposed to ask questions.

They would be more comfortable with a wall flower while I want to be smack dab in the middle of things. And not just some things. Everything.

Where is the line of allowing me to be me and encouraging me to change what I need to change?

I wish I knew.

I truly do.