Nicole feels

(Bear with me, as this may be one of those long, rambling entries...)

I think I went a record total distance last week on my treadmill. Almost 15 miles. I try to walk and/or jog 6 of 7 days, taking Sundays off. As long as I walk 10 miles a week, I will make my year goal. But I want to work up to an average of 12 miles per week. That is a mere 2 miles a day, which really isn�t that hard to do if I just stick with it. I am up to just over 56 miles right now, so I am about 4 miles behind. I can catch up by next month if I just add an extra mile per week.

I talked about the joy of receiving a a few days ago. This morning when I turned my computer on, I found that Rob had changed my XP log-in icon to that very duckie! Something that simple just spoke volumes to me. Sometimes it is in the little things, you know?

Then as is often the case in relationships, the euphoria of receiving duckie joy at the hands of a thoughtful spouse was circumvented by frustration.

Yesterday I received an email notification that Southwest Airlines is having a far sale from here to BWI. For the past 3 years, I have gone back to MD at this very time to visit with my sister. Due to circumstances beyond our control, including the lack of fare sales, it just didn�t work out this year. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn�t be able to make the trip.

Then I saw the sale. The wheels in my head started spinning and I started thinking of how cool it would be to take off for a week in March and visit friends and family. Perhaps I could even meet Six Weasels and her furry friends. But I also know that a trip like this is difficult for Rob. After all, we have three kids. It can be trying for anyone, mom or dad, to be left to handle everything for a week. Don't get me wrong, he is more than capable; he has done it before, as have I. But it doesn't mean it is all fun either.

I tried to broach the subject in a lighthearted manner. Without getting into a lot of detail, let�s just say that our discussion about it didn�t go very well. After I dropped him off at work, I thought about it, prayed about, vented a little with a confidante, and then decided that it was in his hands, that I would not bring it up again. He knew my heart in the matter, but he is much more important to me and I felt at peace with whatever came to pass.

I told him that. I told him that I would not bring it up. That the ball was in his court. After all, me leaving puts a lot more on him. Finding childcare for Parker so he can work at the computer store. Handling various church duties that I generally do. Just simply being apart.

Something else I found on my desktop when I logged on this morning was the Southwest reservation page. But it had timed out. So, I didn�t say anything. When Rob came out to the kitchen and asked me what I thought, I told him I had no clue what he really had in mind, so he started searching flights. I asked him what dates he had in mind and they were different than what I had in mind. And thus, the tension grew again.

I really am at the point where I can honestly say that if going on this trip is just going to cause hard feelings, I do not want to go. Is my sister, my friends and family there, important? Yes. Would it be nice to see them? Of course. But Rob is so much more important to me. I have committed myself to being with this man for better or for worse, and I will protect that. And real love is about sacrifice. And I am willing to sacrifice something like this.

I know, I know, I don�t much sound like a liberated woman of the new millennium. But you know, that is okay. I am at total peace about this. I have no desire, as I have tried to do in the past, to manipulate my way into getting what I want. That�s not what love is about. True love does not demand its own way (1 Cor 13:5).

It feels good to be in this place.

I really appreciate all the kind notes in my guestbook after my entry on Monday. I am feeling so much better, emotionally, now. God has a way of giving us exactly what we need when we need it. Monday night I found this poem:

I came to You sad.
You did not say, �Be happy.�
Instead,
You cried with me;
my tears rolled down Your cheeks
So great was Your love/pain for me.
I did not have to be anything when I came to You
but me.

I came to You frazzled.
You did not say, �Be calm.�
Instead,
You took my hand and said,
�Tell me about it��
I told You
and in the telling I was calmed.
I did not have to be anything when I came to You
but me.

I came to You absorbed in myself.
You did not say, �You�re too introspective.�
Instead,
You waited around
until I could reach beyond myself,
until I was released from myself.
I did not have to be anything when I came to You
but me.

I came to You just as I was.
You welcomed me into Your arms.
You gave me myself,
and the gift was priceless.

~By Ruth Senter

Just what I needed. Just when I needed it.

God is good.