Monday, Jan. 16, 2006 || Not time to jump out of the boat (yet).

Nicole feels The current mood of nacwolin at

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday.

Meltdown may be too strong a word, but I just found myself on the verge of tears, frustrated, and angry almost the entire time we were at church.

There has been some serious lack of communication there lately. Rob isn't able to keep regular office hours due to his "real" job, and he doesn't check the computer in his office. He uses his laptop from work, email, and his cell phones to communicate.

Not to mention that his office is in Egypt in reference to the other offices in the building, and it was partially occupied until mid-December by a guy who planted a church south of here this fall. Basically, that room has been pretty useless to him since we arrived.

The church folk have always used inner office email/Outlook to update everyone on appointments. They've never had a part time staff member before. So, you do the math and you get Rob and Nicole missing 2 meetings to date and finding out about another less than 24 hours before it is supposed to happen.

The usual "pass the buck" thing started. I don't really think people meant it to actually sound like it is Rob's fault, I just don't think they can see outside of the box of how they've always done things to how do we make sure someone who telecommutes gets all the notes.

Hearing someone say, "Well, wasn't Rob hired to keep hours here at the church?" when he works 50-60 hours a week and commutes at least an hour each way to do such so that we can eat and pay our mortgage didn't sit too nicely with me. (Not to mention he has recently spent a whole weekend and several evenings working on that stupid computer lab, well over the amount of "official" hours he is supposed to work.)

All of this came on top of the realization that I feel a bit lonely here since I have little to no adult interaction on a daily basis. My entire life is wrapped up in my family and home schooling right now, which are vitally important, and I do believe, where my focus needs to be. However, I know me, and I know me well enough to know that I need to have something, or things, outside of those roles to make me feel human and fulfilled.

In the middle of the song service, I was overwhelmed with how much I miss my old job (subbing last year), my community group in VA, the people at the church there, my MOPS many things. But this also made me feel guilty because missing those things almost insinuates that I prefer having Rob gone all the freakin' time to having him home almost every single night, even if he doesn't roll in the door until 8 PM sometimes.

I vented quite a bit to Rob once we got home. How I feel like I don't fit here. How I don't really like this church, and if it wasn't for him "working" there I would never choose it as a place for us. How frustrated I am that they just don't get it that he just can't be there every day to check that stupid office computer, and so they need to fix how they get word to people. How we could have just moved to PA and had our kids in a good public school district, but we came here so that we could be a part of this ministry, put our kids in their school - only to find out what it was really like and have to pull them out - and now they can't make a simple phone call to say there is a meeting at such and such a place?!?!

Yeah, I was not feeling the love.

Venting always helps. I began to feel a bit better. We went and got haircuts. I ate some M-n-M's. Rob decided we wouldn't blow off the meeting last night that we'd only been informed of about 18 hours before.

I went with a little trepidation. I wanted to go because I am tired of not going anywhere, but after being on the verge of tears all day long, I wasn't sure if I could get my heart off of my sleeve. It doesn't help that the school admin still won't even look me in the eye when he talks to me. Not to mention Rob had received a phone call from the business manager, the BizMan apologizing profusely because he didn't receive the "is there anything we need to know about this weekend" email from me (sent Thursday) till today. I knew it wasn't like him to blow off an email, so I was kind of confused that he hadn't responded.

Aren't these always the times that email decides to flake out?

But we got there, and everyone was warm, and the meeting when well, and then those of us of the under-40 contigency stuck around and played Texas Hold-em (Rob won, the punk).

On the way home, Rob told me, "Patience." That we can't make decisions about leaving or moving on when emotions and frustrations run high. And I know he is right.

And while this place isn't what I expected or hoped, or even at this point something I really enjoy, too many things fell into place to jump out of the boat just yet.

But I'll be keeping a life preserver handy, just in case.

~ ~ ~

test - Saturday, Oct. 01, 2016
Just a reminder - Friday, Aug. 10, 2007
Rockin' Girl Blogger - Wednesday, Jul. 18, 2007
A good end - Friday, Jun. 01, 2007
Moving on? Yes and no. - Monday, May. 07, 2007

All entries (c) Nacwolin 2001-2006. These are my words. Use your own, m'kay?