Thursday, Mar. 09, 2006 || Maybe it's a start

Nicole feels The current mood of nacwolin at

I joined the church choir last night, because I've really been missing singing and this is the *only* way to do so at this church. They have a small praise team, but at this point, I don't think there is *room* for me in that.

I really don't like the typical choir style/format. And its been over 8 years since I sang with one. I have sang alone and in smaller groups, but even there, the songs were not "choir-esque" - you know, those five part harmonies that tend to hit the roof in some deafening crescendo at the end of the song.

I am singing alto, which is cool, because for years I could never even hear the harmony parts. But for some reason, now I can. I don't read music, but as long as I can hear it, I usually do okay.

I am not sure how much I am going to like this, though. The choir leader is in that position out of need, and I can tell that she hides behind joking and sarcasm her discomfort at being a female leader. This church still has many strongholds of traditionalism.

Because she isn't really leading, I noticed so much talking and overall "not paying attention" to her while she tried to instruct. Even her own sister gabbed on and on, in the front row no less, with another member.

The last choir I was in, the director was amazing. Doc B was extremely talented, confident, and even a little intimidating. But he knew what he was doing, and even if he scared you, you loved and respected Doc.

I learned a lot about control, vibrato, presence...many things.

I can still remember how my friend Michelle, just a month or so after I joined his choir, talked me into trying out for a solo in the Christmas program. I practiced and practiced and practiced, then promptly forgot the words and overall blew the audition. I was extremely nervous, and it was incredibly intimidating to stand in front of just four people and sing alone while they watched.

The next week he came up to me and said, "I didn't pick you for a solo."

"I didn't think you would; I really messed up the song."

"But I do want you to be in the ladies trio."

"You do?"

"And will you sing a solo next week in the service?"

I can't tell you what that did for my confidence. Here was a man who'd been teaching music at a college for-ev-er, had his doctorate and who knows what else, had been leading choirs and directing musicians for a life time, and somehow he saw a little something in my blown audition.

Over the years, I got pretty comfortable "on the stage". While in St. Louis, I started leading every week, and I rarely felt the butterflies anymore. It became like second nature. Of course, my focus had changed from performing to worshipping, and it was so rewarding to be able to look out over the congregation and see folks reaching upward to God as they sang.

I know that is what I really miss. Sure, I miss the singing, but I miss knowing that I, and the team, are in *that* place. Everything is synching, and you just feel as if you could reach up and touch heaven somehow.

I know it's not about the where, or the people around me, or the song being sung - I can worship anytime, anywhere - but the environment does come into play in some sense. So, I am just not sure that finding my place in a choir loft is what I need - what I am searching for right now.

But maybe it's a start.

~ ~ ~

test - Saturday, Oct. 01, 2016
Just a reminder - Friday, Aug. 10, 2007
Rockin' Girl Blogger - Wednesday, Jul. 18, 2007
A good end - Friday, Jun. 01, 2007
Moving on? Yes and no. - Monday, May. 07, 2007

All entries (c) Nacwolin 2001-2006. These are my words. Use your own, m'kay?