Nicole feels

Sometimes I wonder what God is doing.

We have been here over 3 years now, plugging away at this thing called building a church. We are sincere. We are committed. We now have roots in this community. We have a great core group, growing stronger by the week.

So when does the harvest start?

We have seen incredible growth, but not in the way of numbers. I sense God more than ever in our midst. I have grown tremendously on a personal level.

And still, I must admit that it is hard for me to look at the numbers. I wonder why they don�t seem to really be going up. Or when they do, we then suffer a loss. Sometimes I just want to say, �What gives, God?�

I believe a church is an organism, a living thing. The church is the people, not the building. If that was the case we wouldn�t have a church at all because we do not have a building.

Healthy organisms grow. And if you looked at our church at this time last year and compared it to now, you wouldn�t see that. Even though I know we have grown internally, in places not readily seen or even understood by an outside view, I want to see growth.

I hate the numbers game! Yet that is what people want to know about. �How many are you running now?� is generally the first, or at least second, question someone asks when inquiring about the church. If I say really neat things are happening, the response is oftentimes, �Oh, so you have some new folks?�

How I am feeling about all of this is hard to explain. I am happy for our church planting friends whose churches are double, and even triple our size. But it is a two-edged sword, because I am also envious. And I don�t like feeling that way! I try to tell myself that more people just equals more problems, that we wouldn�t have the personal relationships with our members that we do if we were a larger congregation, but I also really want to see those seats full!

And I question if I am doing enough. I know God has called me to serve as worship leader at this time. I am still growing and stretching in this area. My Baptist-women-need-to-just-shut-up-and-sit-up background is a stumbling block to me still. Yet, God has been so gracious, so patient with me, and He is teaching me each day that it isn�t about me, it is about Him. And as long as I am obedient, I am right where He wants me to be.

And I do see Him answering prayers and providing in amazing ways. A new member who is taking over a lot of the administrative load stumbled across an awesome membership tracking program, but it cost $1000. Rob contacted the guy who wrote it and was told we could pay over four months. Sounds good, but we are also on a spending freeze of sorts until the start of our new fiscal year in April. The AG (admin. guru) told his wife, half jokingly, �I would just know even more that God wants me here if he would send someone to give a gift that would pay for this software.� A day or two later, an old friend of ours, now a pastor near DC, called to say that his church is sending a one-time gift of $1000 to our church to use as needed.

How much plainer can God be?

And so I know He is working. Sometimes I just don�t understand how He is working, why He does what He does. Okay, a lot of the time I don�t understand why He does what He does.

I am still grappling with that faith thing.