Nicole feels

It�s been nearly a year now. And everywhere there are reminders�

�As the first anniversary of 9/11 nears, Americans are still taking stock, and wondering if life really has changed�� ~Time

�Area residents will be gathering together on September 11th to mark the terrorist attacks�� ~KMOV-St. Louis

I think I have been doing my best to avoid thinking about what tomorrow marks. Being 900 miles from ground zero gives one a sense of detachment. Life went back to �normal� rather quickly in my neighborhood. And to be honest, I don�t want to sit in front of my TV tomorrow and see the events of that horrific morning played out again and again and again.

But I do think it is important to reflect, to think about what we have learned. More than that, I need to personalize it. Is Nicole different today, 364 days later? What have I learned?

Life is so precious. Every nuance. Every heartbeat. The turning of light reflected through autumn leaves. Colors etched in stone. Every line and crease on a loved one�s face.

�Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise" (Phil. 4:8). Take the time to think on these things.

God is in control, and I am not. I do not believe He makes bad things happen. I do believe that He allows us, stubborn as we are, to be left to our own. He is a gentleman in every sense of the word...He will not push or force. Instead, He waits. Patiently. With great love and expectation. For us to return. Prodigals come home.

He is also there amid the chaos. Beside us in the grief. Walking with us as we heal. Felt in the midst of crosses found at ground zero. That still, small voice that whispers, �I am here, beloved.�

He longs to draw us to Himself. He may not be the author of this play, but neither was He taken by surprise.

To regain, and hold on to, my sense of hope and purpose, I must focus on Who He is, not what happens around me. It is okay for me to fear. I will put my trust in Him.

Do I just dismiss the pain and suffering of that bright, blue September sky marred by smoke and flames? Absolutely not. And neither will I try to understand why. But I will put my hope in Christ, because that is the only thing that is certain. That is one thing no number of terrorists can rob me of.

Does my faith ever waver? Yes. I believe that is part of the process. I can�t see the big picture - the end of the story - and it can be so hard to trace His hand. I am learning that those are the times I must simply trust His heart.

Call me na�ve. Call me a fool for trusting in Someone � Something � unseen. But that�s okay. There is a time you just have to believe.

This is that time.