Nicole feels

I have felt restless and edgy and marginally frustrated for several weeks now.

I know that a lot of it has had to do with Rob's current job: all the travel, the stress it puts on all of us, his desire to be back in vocational ministry and my impatience that doors are not opening in that venue, etc. I have found myself lacking motivation to tackle anything related to the house. I have felt unsettled and afraid to put down roots. I even realized that I have stopped trying to establish and/or expand local friendships.

While my prayer has been, "Your will, whenever, whatever", my heart has been screaming, "What are You doing? Why aren't You answering? How long does it have to be like this?"

As suddenly as the winds began whipping and the rain turned to sleet and snow yesterday afternoon here on the east coast, I have come face to face with the undeniable realization that I've been angry at God. Not a shake-my-fist-in-the-air kind of anger, but rather a deep-set, simmering kind. Just below the surface. Easily disguised as the aforementioned emotions.

I found this quote this morning:

It would be preposterous for us to become impatient when God does not answer our prayers when and how we think He should! He is God, we are not! As you meditate on the price Jesus paid to give access to the Father, you will come to treasure your prayer times with Him.

You know how we tend to avoid someone who's disappointed us, who we are frustrated or angry with? Yeah, that's been me. My prayer journal will bear testimony to that.

So this afternoon, no less than five months after purchasing it and allowing it to collect dust on the hutch, I opened the DVD, The Passion of the Christ.

I needed a reality check.

*low whistle*

Did I ever get one.

Yes. He is God, and I am not. And if He never gave me another thing this side of eternity, it would be enough.