|Saturday, Apr. 24, 2004 || When will this hard-headed chick "get it"?|
I have probably mentioned that I began a Bible Study called Experiencing God about 7 weeks ago. It is just what I have needed at this time in my walk with Abba Father. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with all that I am learning, all that is reaffirmed, all that I still need to learn!
You may remember the story of our home loan. We had a crisis of belief in that moment when, just an hour or two before closing, the loan officer called and we had no loan. We had a choice to make. Did we believe God sent us here? Did we believe He would provide? Did we believe He could take care of us, our family?
I remember crying inside, "God, why? Why would you bring us all this way for this? Did we hear you wrong? If it was just Rob and I, I could bear this, but what about our kids? They are supposed to start school on Monday? What do we do now?!"
At that point, it seemed our only option was to pay off our car loans. All the money we had saved and the money we made at closing on our MO house (which we planned to use to repair this house) would be gone. Oh, how I struggled over that one!
As we drove back to where we were staying, Rob's cell rang and it was the offer for the job he is currently working. Based on what the guy told him, pay, etc., we never would have considered that job had it come at any other time. And now, it is not only the job that supports us, but it is providing for us above out needs.
Still, there was an interview and the wait. Rob didn't have the job yet. It was Friday. The mortgage company was closed by the time he came out of the interview. The interviewer all but gave him the job, but we had to wait till Monday for final word. Rob seemed pretty settled, but I was still terrified! I struggled all weekend over the money in the bank. Would He really want us to use that?
On Monday morning, I arose early and began my quiet time. As I prayed, I realized I had to surrender that money to Him. It's all His anyway. I cried and prayed and confessed and relinquished my grasp.
About 2 hours later, Rob received the call that he got the job. They called the loan company and gave the needed employment verification. We closed on the house the next day.
You know how after a spiritual victory you tend to hit a low? Well, here it comes - I should have known!!
When Rob accepted the job, he was told it would be 50 or more hours a week plus mileage. That would allow us to meet budget. The first week came and went. Less than 40 hours. Mileage down. Week two. Still not at the level they promised. By week three or four, I was starting to panic. We had gone 2 months without pay and he still wasn't making enough to meet our basic budget.
You would think I would look back over our spiritual milestones, remind myself of how God had worked, and trust Him. But, oh no, I took matters into my own hands. I began to look for a job. I wanted security! Silly girl, how could anything I do give me more security than what God had planned?
When many offers came in, I took that as confirmation of my decision. I ignored my reservations about daycare and being away from home so much. It felt good to be wanted in the workforce after so many years away! And when the job at the staffing agency came out of left field, I took that to mean I was doing the right thing.
And you know, I don't think it was a "wrong" thing. I just realize now that it wasn't the best thing. Do you remember how the Israelites whined and begged for a king, and finally God said, "Okay, but..." and there were consequences, hardships? That is what has happened in this for me.
As God does, He is using this to teach me so much. About handling difficult people. That I do have marketable skills and can have confidence in my abilities. How to set up boundaries and not be taken advantage of (wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove). And the biggest two: my kids need a mom at home right now and He will provide. He is providing! And as scary as it is to contemplate resigning this summer when Sass returns since Rob's job is temporary and we have no idea when it might end, I know that I have to trust His voice and trust that the God who brought us here knows what we will need come July/August and He will take care of the rest.
I am only going to have these kids for a few more years, and then they will be gone and I will have all the time in the world to work.
A few years ago at a women's conference, the speaker said, "You know, I've never heard a woman say, 'I wish I had worked more', but I have met many who said, 'I wish I'd been home with my kids more'".
I asked Rob how he had felt about me returning to work, and he said that I had my mind so set on it, He decided that God was going to teach me some things that only He could, and He would let Him. Darn that man!! But, he's right. There were some things I needed to learn that could only be learned this way. Gosh how I hate that pain and/or hardship are often the best teachers!
Maybe one of these days this hard-headed chick will get it.
Just a reminder - Friday, Aug. 10, 2007
Rockin' Girl Blogger - Wednesday, Jul. 18, 2007
A good end - Friday, Jun. 01, 2007
Moving on? Yes and no. - Monday, May. 07, 2007